How To | Create Your Own Font

So a few people asked me about this and I wanted to deliver but I also wanted to make sure I did my homework because there are SEVERAL ways to create your own font. I want you to know that your personal preferences, access to certain programs/resources, experience level and knowledge base are all factors to consider when selecting the method you want to explore. … Continue reading How To | Create Your Own Font

Episode 8 | Business by Accident

  5 years ago on this day, I started the Crybaby Instagram in hopes of sharing my art and connecting with other tender hearted people around the world. I had no plan, no goals, no expectations. Simpler times.  I wanted to celebrate with the official story of the brand\’s birth- which was a complete accident.  Thank you so much. If you have been here this … Continue reading Episode 8 | Business by Accident

My Journey with Medication

First things first, I am not a doctor. I am not a therapist, psychologist, MD, PHD or anyone who can or should give instructions on how to take care of your mind. THAT BEING SAID, I am a person who has been mentally ill nearly as long as I have been alive. I\’m an unwell person who has often singlehandedly done the work in order to evaluate my mental health, locate the causes of my pain/trauma, unpack them, repack them and find a mental health regimen that works for me… all in the hopes of healing myself. So I know a little bit about different courses of action in the name of mental wellness, at least as how I have experienced it. So, please take my accounts for what they are: me, sharing my story with you. 

This is what I have gone through, what I have struggled with and what works for ME. 

Also, TW sexual abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm

I don\’t remember the moment that I was like ::lightbulb:: \”I think I\’m mentally ill.\” I don\’t know if it happens like that for anyone but it certainly didn\’t for me. I remember now looking back, moments where I was clearly struggling but didn\’t have the knowledge or the vocabulary to tell anyone or ask for help. 
I remember that I started having nightmares after my sexual abuse at age 7. I told my caregiver the next day and they did nothing to help me. They were very upset for me but in the name of self preservation, requested that I not tell anyone because if I did, the man would go to jail. They asked me if I was ok, I said yes and it was never talked about again. I was not advocated for, I felt betrayed, dirty and sad… and then the nightmares started. 
High school was another time my mental health took a nose dive. I was coasting along, doing fine, not popular but not bullied. I had a few friends, straight A\’s and a boyfriend. I was even one of the starting pitchers on the varsity softball team. Things were fine… then I met a girl and fell in love with her and everything changed. I will go into more detail on a future episode of the podcast, but let\’s just say for now that things were awful. Overnight, I became \”that gay girl\” at school. I lost a lot of friends, lost family, lost my home. I started being bullied, called names, had things thrown at me when I walked down the hallway. Naturally, I went on a downward spiral pretty quickly. I cut all my hair off, I started acting out by way of promiscuity, I was mean to people as a way of making myself feel better, my grades dropped (to B\’s and C\’s but still a drop) and the biggest thing I struggled with was self harming. I was crying out for help in pretty much every way a person could and yet, no one heard me and no one knew what to do with me regardless. My caregiver eventually put me into a behavioral hospital to \”fix me\” and my queerness. They never showed up to our family therapy though so I ended up staying for 2 long months because they are reluctant to release minors into environments that don\’t have good support systems in place. This was the first time I was prescribed anything or had any therapy of any kind but the first meds gave me headaches, the second ones made me sleepy all the time, one made my hair fall out. It was not a good time and once I left treatment, my meds weren\’t a priority anyway. I spent a lot of time crying, writing poetry, thinking about dying and hurting myself.
My first year of college didn\’t go well either. I didn\’t play softball my senior year because of all the drama so no colleges recruited me. I was still immensely depressed and I had no support system or solid ground to stand on. So as soon as I got to college, I lost my mind. Not in any tangible way. I looked and sounded fine, but I slept through all of my classes, stayed up late being manic and doing weird stuff like going to walmart at 1 am to buy ribbons so I could make necklaces or painting for hours only to leave the canvases in a parking lot for someone to find and hopefully take home with them and I even had a pet cat and hamster in the dorm which wasn\’t allowed. Don\’t even ask me about the kind of partner I was because I was terrible to anyone who ever tried to love me. I was a walking nightmare. I didn\’t know that though, I felt like I had a handle on everything and that I was just a weird person who was wild, spontaneous and fun. Then I failed out of college. How fun! 

People didn\’t really talk about mental health back then like they do now. Even if they did, it was harder to find seeing as Facebook was still only a website that students could join and Instagram didn\’t even exist yet. The internet was nothing like it is now, I mainly used it for Myspace shenanigans like changing my top 8 and taking 300 selfies after I did my eye make up. I had livejournal and a xanga to vent, but I still wasn\’t really aware that I was unwell. I just thought I was weird. 
Around 19 I went into another behavioral hospital, this time as an adult. I stayed for a week, got a new doctor and a new prescription and thought things were going to be fine. Like I said though, things weren\’t talked about then like they are now, so the meds were a nightmare as well. At this time in my life, I took two pills daily. 1 made me zombie like… if I was extreme before, this cut off all of that. It didn\’t level me out, it made me a ghost. The second one made me sleep all the time. I was missing work because of it and gained like 30 pounds. I didn\’t know that I should tell my doctor this though, I thought that this was just how I had to feel and what I had to put up with in the name of being well. So I just kept sporadically taking them hoping to somehow get used to them? I honestly don\’t know what I was thinking at the time, but I wasn\’t doing it right. I was trying yes, but not in any real way. 
When I got married and pregnant a few years later, I wasn\’t taking anything. I hadn\’t been anyway but I was even more against taking meds for fear of it being dangerous for the babies. So I was hit not once but twice with insane bouts of post partum depression that left me a crying mess. It never got too bad, I wasn\’t a danger to anyone. I was just sad or angry all the time. I was quick to anger, I cried all the time, I acted out by doing dumb shit. 

Continue reading “My Journey with Medication”

Link Landing Pages | Which is the Best?

Linktree Linktree was the first \”all-in-one-place\” link sharing site that I saw pop up in other people\’s bios. So naturally, for a long time, it was the one I used. I liked it ok. It is relatively simple and free to use but the customization is almost nonexistent, unless you want to pay. Also, it leaves a lot to be desired as far as what … Continue reading Link Landing Pages | Which is the Best?